Love = Attraction + Comfort + Chemistry

I’ve just watched several Indonesian music video on a bus on my way home, and seriously, it looked very silly on how they described how a woman attracted to a guy. But, then again it also happened in almost all of Indonesian film/sinetron. That’s why I never watched them, it is deceiving guys about how they should attract the opposite sex and also it didn’t described what actually a woman hope and want from a man. 

Actually, there are a lot of community who is studying a woman behaviour. How they act, how they think, how they will react, what they will say, why they think like that, how we should respond and so on. I’ve crossed that community once a long time ago when I found a book called ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss. Well I will try to share it in here. 

Apparently there’s a formula on how we feel love. 

Love = Attraction + Comfort + Chemistry 

You need to build enough attraction first then you can go to build comfort. With enough comfort, only then you can move to build chemistry. If you move too fast while there’s not enough each previous element, a woman will consider you a freak or she won’t be considering you as a potential boyfriend at all. That’s what we call a friend zone. 

If attraction < comfort = you’re a freak 

If comfort < chemistry = you’re a freak 

So how we build each element? Well I will try to explain it a little in here 

Attraction 

- Confidence 

Not only woman attracted to confident man, I think most of the people is also drawn toward a confident person. It shows he knows what he’s doing. If you keep doubting yourself, then she wil feel it too and couldn’t trust you. After all, how she will feel protected, if the guy didn’t believe he can protect the woman he loves. 

- Demonstrating Higher Value (DHV) 

Every single person on this planet has a value, and we are attracted to those who we think have more value than us. We think that we can learn something from those guys. The same thing also applied on woman. When you met a woman, she will think you have at least the same value as her. And then she may notice your clothes, body language and general appearance. If you can’t maintain your value in front of her, then she will assume you have a lower value than her until you prove her wrong. That’s where DHV comes in. 

There are several way to do DHV, but you don’t want get an impression as you are bragging to her. So the best way to DHV is to let her observes it. I personally like storytelling. It’s a process where you compose a story and embedded your higher value in that story. DHV can also be done by learning it from her trusted source (her friends). 

- Funny 

Every person loves a funny guy because he cheers up the mood. It doesn’t mean that you have to be the center of laughing stock. It means that you can create or telling a funny story, making jokes. If you can make a woman laugh, that’s a killer attraction. 

- Pre-selected 

A woman will more attracted if there are other women who also attracted towards you. It’s more like a validation that you are attract not only her but other women also. 

- Routine

A routine is a Cold Reading. You told her personality based on her astrology/birth date/handwriting and others. Or you can also create a simple question and answer and then you cold read it. A woman likes when a guy describes her own personality, it makes her feel you have already known her for a long time. I've written it in here.

- Looking Good 

“Look doesn’t matter”. Wrong. Looks do matter. I will try to give you an example. Imagine you are walking alone in a dark alley in the middle of the night with all of your money in your pocket, who would you be most worried about? Try to visualize these people separately 

a. A man in pressed and well-fitted suit with clean shoes, a briefcase, and a fashionable tie 

b. A man with a ripped jeans, big boots with metal spikes, a bandana and a leather jacket 

Remember, you didn’t know any of these men besides their appearance. That’s why looks do matter because it’s the first thing people can see and analyze before they know more about you.

 - Unpredictable 

Predictable is boring. You have to do something different than the other guys who have been seeking her attention. Otherwise, she will assume you’re just the same with other low value guy who has been trying to approach her. 

Comfort 

Once you already passed the attraction phase, the comfort phase is when you try to get to know each other. 

- Build rapport 

A rapport is something that you shared with each other. Unlike the attraction, rapport is permanent. Think about the friendship you’ve built with rapport, they last a long time. It’s a phase where you try to get to know more about her personality such as her hobbies, her career, her dreams, birthdate, family, jobs, favourite music, foods and so on. The more intimacy things that she shares with you, the more rapport you built with her. The more she asks questions about you is a sign that you’ve got the attraction phase complete. Remember, rapport goes both ways, so you can’t let this phase as if it’s an interogation, where you are the only one who asks the question where she just answer all of your question and never asks back. If it happens, then you haven’t got much attraction to her. 

- Kino 

Kino is a physical contact. If you get enough attraction and has built enough rapport, you should try to make a physical contact as soon as possible. It let her adapt to your touches so it will get easier in the chemistry phase The important thing in comfort phase is you need to be comfortable around her. If you’re not comfortable enough, she will sense it and she will also get uncomfortable around you and make an excuse to stop talking to you. 

Chemistry 

Chemistry is a phase where she thinks that you are a potential boyfriend. As soon as you get the comfort phase, you need to start building chemistry immediately. If you stay in the comfort zone too long, you will end up in a friend zone with the ultimate words “let’s just be friends”. But remember, if you start the chemistry phase too fast, she will think you as a freak. 

 - Flirting 

Flirting is one of the best way to let her know that you don’t want just to be friends with her. It connects to her emotional side and likes all the attention you give to her. Sometimes women like it too and want to play along because it’s fun. 

- Gossip 

One thing I learn beside flirting to let her know that I don’t just want to be friends is sometimes through gossip. Your friends might be gossiping about you and her, or sometimes make a funny joke about you two together. Don’t try to deny it and at the same time do not confirm it either. Let her think for herself. It might sink in her mind that ask herself “why not?” Sometimes you can also try to make a joke about it either. 

- Date 

Try to ask her out on a date. If it’s not possible then you can try arrange it as if you’re hanging out with your friend and ask her to join. After several hanging out together, it will be easier to ask her out. 

Chemistry is a fun process, you should be aware of any sign she give to you. And remember, you can’t start the chemistry process until you have enough attraction and comfort. That’s why I like to laugh a lot when I saw how a guy approach a woman in some Indonesian film/sinetron. Sometimes the guy just give his smile to a woman she likes and suddenly the woman smiles back without even knowing why in the hell the guy staring and smiling at her. If you try to do it in real life, you will be considered a freak. It’s because many process in Indonesian love story starts with chemistry first. And we unconciously imitating what we saw and think that the woman likes it. We start being nice, giving her a lot of attention more than she deserves, giving her a lot of presents when she haven’t done a thing that worth the presents and hoping that the woman will acknowledge him as a nice guy, the guy that fits to be her boyfriend because he cares about her so much. But when actually she didn’t respond to all of the things we have done and given to her, we started to give her more and more while she continues being more distance. It’s a sign that you have become frustrated and needy. The more you show that you need her, the more she will reject you. That’s why you can’t ever start the process from the chemistry phase first. Of course you can give her a lot of attention, give her a surprise presents, being nice to her, but that can only happen after you get enough attraction and comfort. That’s why you can’t ever believe the Indonesian love story on how to get the girl, I emphasize you to do not ever watch a sinetron because your subconcious will try to act based on what you saw. 

There are some points that I would like to share with you : 

1. Girls will not make you happy 

Happiness is inside you, not in other people or stuff that you need to buy. This can only bring temporary happiness. Most girls out there are unhappy with their lives and try to search a man to make them happy. Actually they search for a happy man, to jump on his life and enjoy his life. That is why you must focus on yourself first, before you bring someone else in your life. 

2. Never lie 

- You’ll get caught. The better she gets to know you over time, the more she’ll be able to tell when you’re lying. It can become really difficult to keep your story straight. As Mark Twain said, “Honesty is not having to remember what you’ve said.” 

- You appear weak. Weak men lie to get what they want. Strong men are honest about their desires 

- Lying isn’t necessary: you can get what you want without dishonesty 

3. Girls like “nice” guys 

Wrong. Girls hate nice guys. A “nice guy” represents every average, boring, predictable, monotonous, insecure, not fun, serious guy she’s ever had the forgettable experience of meeting. This is not to say you have to be an asshole to get girls but did you ever ask yourself, why are many beautiful women are attracted to the jerk or the badboy? Because he elicits powerful EMOTIONS from her and acts like HE is the PRIZE. Two things the “nice guy” never does.

4. What women really want 

In primitive times, females were attracted to strong guys with big muscles because back then a guy with big muscles was able to protect his family from intruders and hunt for food. He also had good genes, so if girl chose him to father her babies, her babies would have a much better chances to survive. Quick jump to our reality -- today, girls still have attraction towards dominant males because it has become wired into them through evolution. Things are a little different though… Today it isn’t just the most muscular guy who has the best chance for survival, though women still find this attractive. It is also the guy with the most social power and confidence who dominates in our world. The guy who is high status, confident and able to get what he wants from the world is the modern alpha male. And women are programmed to be attracted to men who display these alpha qualities, because it’s built into the right Hemisphere of the brain for their protection and the protection of their offspring. 

Okay, let me remind you again that there are still a whole lot more I don’t cover in this writing, so don’t expect an immediate result, and also this is not a cheat on how to get the girl you like. You can’t use all of the above tricks if it’s not inline with your personality. Because it will seem you’re faking it and women will know because they’re an expert at detecting body language. You need to change your inner self first in order to be able to appear natural in front of the women you like. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a trick on how to deceive a girl to like you, but instead it is a lesson so women can have the best personality they can have from men. 

For those of you who want to know more about dating skills, I suggest you read a book titled “The Game” by Neil Strauss.